FORUM

There's a great Greek myth about just this problem. On her wedding day, Eurydice was tragically killed and like all good classical Greeks, descended into Hades, the underworld. Because she'd been a good person she went to the Elysian Fields, a very pleasant place. Her groom Orpheus, the equivalent of a rock star, was grief-stricken and quit playing his lyre and singing.  The world was a colder, greyer place without his music, so the gods agreed to let him descend into the underworld to search for her. The trick was that if he could find Eurydice and bring her back – without speaking a word to her or looking at her – she would be granted back her life. Speak one word or take one glance and she would remain dead forever. Driven by his passionate love and loyalty, Orpheus bravely made his way through all the terrifying barriers to the underworld and finally found the Elysian Fields. He started playing and walking slowly back up the road out of Hades. Eurydice, hardly daring to believe her ears, was drawn after him. From initial ecstasy at seeing him and hearing his gorgeous music, she was soon in despair because he would not answer her calls and would not look at him. She thought she was hallucinating, or that he was a ghost sent to torment her.

She kept following, closer and closer, proclaiming her love and pleading with him to acknowledge her presence, to look at her, to speak to her, to say he loved her.  Orpheus's heart was breaking because he could not reassure her with words lest he break the spell and she be condemned to eternal death. He felt that the fact that he ventured through danger to come get her, that he was playing his most beautiful music, that he was leading her back to light and life should be enough – yet she kept demanding to hear him say he loved her.

Finally he could no longer resist her pleas. He turned, looked at her, and declared, "I love you".

She was immediately whisked back down into the underworld and Orpheus stood on the threshold of life, alone again.

A point we can draw from this is that men are visual and women are aural. We want to hear the words of love, they want to see the images of love. To demand that your boyfriend tell you he loves you is not only missing the point, it can be damaging and potentially fatal to your relationship. To me, the point is not what he says but how he acts. Does he treat you with respect? Though he may not speak of it, does he show you love? And ask yourself, what is it you hope to gain from having him speak the words, anyway? Once you figure that out, you may determine that you already have what you're looking for. Or, you could figure out that you've set a test you know he'll fail because you're looking for a way to break up.

Regardless, recognizing that male and female brains and consciousnesses work very differently at the Physical and Emotional levels can bring you understanding and hopefully, some peace of heart.  We go into this in both AB 101 (The Basics) and AB 102 (AB’s in Love), either or both of which might be useful for you if you feel you need more guidance.